Follow on Bloglovin

{Mystic Self Letters} "This is the hardest letter to write..."

Dear One,

Thank you so much for joining me in this process of healing and learning. What you are about to read below is a part of a series of letters to my younger self. 

This is the final letter in the series.

This project began when I was connecting with a dear sister of mine and she asked: "What would it look like to write letters to your younger mystic self?"

That idea really struck a chord with me - to imagine my younger self receiving these letters felt like such a gift, like sweet medicine. 

And I desired to share these letters with you, my dear community, as I imagine that perhaps, a younger or current version of yourself may also wish to feel into these words.

Read the first letter and feel into the origins of this project here (age 5)

Read the second letter here (age 12)

Read the third letter here (age17)

Read the fourth letter here (age 20)

Read the fifth letter here (age 22)

Listen to the playlist here

 

Dear 28-year-old Mystic Elle,

It is this letter, more than any of the others, that makes me yearn to be able to give wrap you up in a blanket, give you some tea, hold your hands and look into your eyes and tell you that everything is going to be okay.

I know that right now, having a body and emotions feel difficult and confusing and mysterious.

There has been mystery after mystery coming up for you and your body for the past few years.  Sometimes you spend hours a day in the bathroom, with a sore belly.  Sometimes you feel your heart fluttering in uncomfortable ways.  Sometimes you faint from pain.  Sometimes you faint because that’s just what you do.  Sometimes your body holds onto weight like it is the most precious thing to exist.  Sometimes your body is unable to carry weight, and you can’t quite figure out what to eat in order to find the curve of your hips again.

The good news is:  You will get through this, and all of these bodily mysteries.  And you will be healthy.  

You will learn the value of both Western and Eastern Medicine, and come to a place of deep reverence and respect for this body, no matter how sensitive it may be.

You will learn that traditional doctors will be able to set your mind at ease, and that doctors who practice alternative medicine will be able to speak in the energetic language that you understand.  Do not discredit one over the other, but allow both to work with you in balance and harmony.

One thing that is a gift, that is such sweet medicine during this time is Yoga Teacher Training.  By a miracle almost, the opportunity presented itself and now as you spend your weekends immersed in the 8 limbs, sacred texts, and learning how to hold space for others to rise up both physically and spiritually.  The yoga studio will become like a second home, a new sanctuary for your spirit to explore and grow and expand.  

This training, combined with your Reiki Teacher Training, will feel so grounding for you.  It feels like a coming home, to receive "official" education in all things subtle and sacred.  To find the connections between the body and the spirit, the heart and the mind.  It feels like you have been a sole explorer for decades, and now you finally have guidance on this path, and a community to share your mystic truths with.  And it feels so good to sink into.

Here is what I wish to tell you:

First, never stop seeking and learning and soaking it all in, in the way that you are.

With all of this spiritual growth, and with all of these mysteries of the body, it feels so easy right now to ground into the cosmos instead of the body and the earth and this moment. 

This is a response that is what a mystic may naturally tend to gravitate towards, but isn't one that actually serves you.  

Love, I know that it feels easier to float away than to be fully embodied within your physical form.  It’s easier to escape any emotions that are coming up for you this way, to distract yourself from any tender feelings that are rising up for you.  Dwelling in the energetic realm and the cosmic realm feels like a familiar home, but my darling, you are here on earth.  Enjoy it.  Enjoy this body.  Find a sense of reverence in the presence of  being in this moment.  In the miracle and preciousness of it all.

Continue to nourish your Throat and Heart Chakras.  Sing and sing and sing; love and love and love.  Do not allow fear and doubt and worry to cause pain to linger here.  

There is something on the horizon where your heart and voice will need to be fortified in order for you to come out on the other side in one piece.  It will feel like a 3 of Swords moment, a figurative piercing sensation through this place where heaven meets earth.  

When emotional pain rises up within your heart space, allow it to be heard.  Even though your whole body will shake and it will feel like there is a flock of birds trying to escape from your chest and like snakes are slithering down your legs. (not that snakes are bad...but that's the only way you can describe the sensation) You have been silenced in the past, and while it feels comfortable and safe not to speak, it is important to remain connected to your truth, to yourself.  It is important to remain true to you, dear Elle.

As someone who is a mystic AND a perfectionist...someone who is tender and sensitive and who just wants to be enough...I know that in this moment is may feel best to retreat, to hide away, to push things off to the side and let them fester.

Instead of working with things in this way, which will not help anything...find strength and power within yourself to transform and heal.  Think about the way that Parvati, the Yogini Goddess of devotion, can transform herself in to Durga when she needs to become an empowered warrioress, how she can shift into Kali when she hears the call for transformation and for the release of the ego.  Think of how someone so entranced by the divine and seem so delicate...but in the blink of an eye, can become fierce, then mothering, then wild and fully free, then come back into a meditative state...without difficulty, without needing to fit into the box of being just one way.  And in each and every form, she is divine.

Empower yourself in your own emotional healing on this path. It is not anyone else’s responsibility - find a sense of strength in the core of your being and work on cultivating that place.  Once you have released all that no longer serves you, remind your heart what it is like to love.  Celebrate your ability to love.  Honor it.  

with deep love and devotion,
xo, your Self in 2017

Follow on Bloglovin

{Mystic Self Letters} "Allow me to let you in on a secret..."

Dear One,

Thank you so much for joining me in this process of healing and learning. What you are about to read below is a part of a series of letters to my younger self.  

This project began when I was connecting with a dear sister of mine and she asked: "What would it look like to write letters to your younger mystic self?"

That idea really struck a chord with me - to imagine my younger self receiving these letters felt like such a gift, like sweet medicine. 

And I desired to share these letters with you, my dear community, as I imagine that perhaps, a younger or current version of yourself may also wish to feel into these words.

READ THE FIRST LETTER AND FEEL INTO THE ORIGINS OF THIS PROJECT HERE (AGE 5)

READ THE SECOND LETTER HERE (AGE 12)

READ THE THIRD LETTER HERE (AGE17)

READ THE FOURTH LETTER HERE (AGE 20)

LISTEN TO THE PLAYLIST HERE

 

 

Dear Mystic 22-year-old Elle,

Ah, I can feel the deep exhale of independence that you feel, having moved to your very own home by the sea with C, where you can watch the lightning storms flash over the water from your kitchen and watch the clouds float over the moon from the skylight in your bedroom.  You know you are meant to be here, in this place, with C, as your bedroom reminds you of a sacred place you visited in a dream once. So when you saw the bedroom, you pulled C aside and told her, and right then and the papers were signed. The way that she trusts your intuitive wisdom feels like a luscious elixir to your spirit.

This place is your sanctuary. A safe place unlike any other that you have known before. It feels like there is so much time and space here. The ledge around your bedroom is the perfect place to set up your very first altar, where you will gather bits of all that feels deeply holy to you. 

It is here that so many pieces of your journey will come together.

It is this year that you will wander around this little city and come across a crystal shop. Here, your love for these gifts from the earth will be re-ignited as you find deep connections with a smooth piece of fluorite, and become acquainted with a whole cosmic collection of other crystals and stones. The woman who owns this store will see you walk in and with a smile on her face, allow you to hold this crystal and that crystal, and when you speak of the conversations or energetic sensensations that come forward with a stone, she will nod and smile and speak of her own experiences.  And with that, you feel as though a large piece of your world and experiences are safe and held here.

It is this year that you will find yourself walking to the library daily, first to check your email and play with your website, and then to pore through the new book section. In this place, you will check out myth after myth, countless poems, and eventually you will come across a book by Deepak Chopra that will open up a new portal for you. Through a couple of sentences in this book, you form a cosmic connection with the Goddess Saraswati, and you will commune with her often. This book also teaches you about mantra, which you have practiced before but never in Sanskrit.  The words taste sweet and familiar on your tongue, like honey, as you repeat them while sitting on your bed, holding your fluorite and then connecting to the waves within the ocean of consciousness within the cosmos. 

It is this year that you will walk to a small cafe on the hill with C and be surprised by a group of tarot readers who are there. The readings are supposed to be 5 minutes, but when you sit down before a woman named Colleen, she pulls almost a dozen cards for you - the High Priestess, the Empress, the Ace of Swords, and many more come up for you. She looks you in the eye with curiosity and recognition and asks “My dear, do you have your own tarot deck yet?” And you respond no, but tell her of the deck that your friends share with you.  “Well, I think it’s time you get your own deck, love. The cards are calling to you.”

And so, that week you seek out a Tarot deck, and one speaks to you louder than the rest in the store, for it works with herbs and reminds you of your time in the little shop when you were a teenager. When that week, the library has a Tarot guidebook in the free section, just for you, you know that there must be something magical happening here.

I know that in this moment, you are feeling regret for praying away your intuition when you were younger. I know you feel a longing, stronger than ever, to connect to that part of yourself. I know you feel like you must have lost so much time, feeling unsafe in the past. And that now you are like a sponge, soaking it all in and then swelling up with so much emotion, in awe of the beauty of it all.

I invite you, dear one, to find a bit of an exhale around this. To know that this regret does not serve you and will only hinder your forward motion. 

Instead, look around at these luscious resources and experiences and see that they are here to guide you forward on your path. I know that since you are a year after graduation from university, and you feel like you should know what you’re doing and have a sort of definite clarity around your whole life.  Allow me to let you in on a little secret: it’s okay to feel lost, to feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, but to allow your spirit to lead the way and to hold the callings of your spirit to be true above all else. I know that for you, you feel like you have missed out on something, but in reality, you have been collecting these experiences and piecing them together and now, as someone who has been in this body on this planet for 22 years, you are fitting the pieces together and noticing how the tapestry of the spiritual realm extends far and wide. 

This is a time of deep remembering. Of seeing through your biological eyes and through your third eye. Of finding that you can harness your intuition, and allow her to speak through you as you shuffle the tarot cards, as you write, as you dive into meditation. This a time when you will feel a gorgeous flow of joy and beauty as you walk to work and feel a deep union with all of the trees, and find the illusion of separation between you and all of nature to be lifted, as you walk forward in a state of ecstasy. You as you greet families at work, the veil of separation will feel lifted as well, and you will practice observing the observer and almost laugh at the awakening of it all.

This is a time of freedom. Soak it in. Experience every moment fully. Whether you are creating art, practicing yoga, dancing in an empty bar with C and T, writing, sneaking gin in glass vitamin bottles into concerts (or sneaking yourself into Bob Dylan concerts...twice…), communing with the goddess, baking biscotti on a snow day, meditating, reading, or embodying the archetypes of the tarot...each of these moments is sacred and precious. It is in this time that you understand that there is no separation between the sacred and the mundane.

Allow your curiosity to carry you forward. Continue talking to the divine and writing down her words. Continue journaling around the energetics of mantra, and continue finding your own meanings within the Tarot. One of the best things you will ever do in the upcoming years is follow the advice of the Tarot - both in your own readings and in the readings of your dear Tarot reader, Colleen. If you can, ask Colleen for her email address so that you can thank her years later. This is one thing you will wish that you could do many times over the next decade.

Allow the beauty and connection of the cosmic experiences you have during this time to carry you forward. Allow this to both quench your thirst and make you thirst for more, as you drink this all in. You are walking around a new layer of the spiral of life. From here forward, you will feel at home, as a mystic walking on this earthly plane. Welcome this sensation with open arms.

With love,
Your Self in 2017.

Follow on Bloglovin

{Mystic Self Letters} "So tell me...where do you go?"

Dear One,

Thank you so much for joining me in this process of healing and learning. What you are about to read below is a part of a series of letters to my younger self.  

This project began when I was connecting with a dear sister of mine and she asked: "What would it look like to write letters to your younger mystic self?"

That idea really struck a chord with me - to imagine my younger self receiving these letters felt like such a gift, like sweet medicine. 

And I desired to share these letters with you, my dear community, as I imagine that perhaps, a younger or current version of yourself may also wish to feel into these words.

READ THE FIRST LETTER AND FEEL INTO THE ORIGINS OF THIS PROJECT HERE

READ THE SECOND LETTER HERE

READ THE THIRD LETTER HERE

LISTEN TO THE PLAYLIST HERE


Dear Mystic 20-year-old Elle,


This is the summer that you will live with someone who will feel like a sister, like a soul mate, like a lost twin soul, with the sound of waves crashing outside your window.

This whole summer, a conversation that you had during the last days of your sophomore year will repeat in your head, over and over again.

The boy, after kissing you:  “So, tell me, where do you go, sometimes?”

You, being reminded of your body: “What do you mean?”

The boy, looking you in the eyes: “Well, your body is here, next to me, but you…*you*...you go somewhere else sometimes. I can see your body but I can’t see *you*...it’s like you’re off somewhere. Your mind or spirit flies away for a little bit.”

You, totally confused:  “Oh. Well. I’m not sure, really.”


And so, as you share American Spirit cigarettes with your friend, making art, and taking walks so that you can visit your favorite tree of all time, you will think about this. 

Do you go somewhere? Where do you go?

As this has been something you have done your whole life, without realizing it, to have someone point it out and show it to you feels raw and revolutionary at the same time.


Learning how to ground would be something that would be so extremely beneficial for you, dear mystic Elle. Perhaps close your eyes and journey to that favorite tree, and become that tree. Listen to the sound of the ocean and allow it to mimic your breath. Find child’s pose in the grass, as the sun warms your skin. Find yourself in your body, remember it throughout the day. Love it.  


Many puzzle pieces will come together this year - and expand themselves outwards to form a greater tapestry of your journey.


This summer, you will read the first half of House of Leaves, listening to Poe, and have an odd understanding of how a house could do such a thing.  The mystery of it all pulls you in to something that feels so familiar, like a dream you had once.


After you practiced yoga for the first time - a guest came to your modern dance class - it felt like a coming home. Keep practicing this, keep looking for the “more” beyond the postures that you intuitively know is there. You will find such love and devotion to the eight limbs. This is one of the ways that you will learn how to come into the body and be here, fully here and present.


Please, above all else, keep making art, taking photos, writing poems, building sacred online spaces. Hold this piece of you dear. This outpouring of expression is your soul’s medicine, a cosmic elixir for your journey.  


As you go to the library and take out books full of paintings by Raphael, poems by Margaret Atwood, and design magazines, check out the section on religion and spirituality. See what is there, see what will guide you forward.


When, in another section of the library, one of your dear teachers plants a seed of Stregheria in a conversation, follow that thread and ask her more about it. This is one of those things that you will regret not doing later on.


I know that right now you are feeling a calling to practice a spiritual connection with someone else.  What would it look like, you wonder, to sit in a circle and cultivate a shared spiritual experience? 

While you and T will dive into an intuitive exploration and games and journey into each other’s dreams this year between drawing marathons,know that it’s also okay to walk forward on this journey guided by your own passions and desires. You don’t need to wait for anyone else. You can continue forward, on your own, for a little bit, and it will be okay. You can always talk to T about what is coming up for you - she will listen, she will understand, she will believe. But also honor her own journey, and allow her to follow her own passions and spiritual quest as well.  


You two will walk to the magic shop together with C, and they will buy a Tarot deck to share, a deck that they will let you work with and play with. This will be transformative. As you explore this art and experiment with it, many things will unfold for you.  These Tarot cards are a portal for you - work with them often.


I know you feel like you are constantly beginning again, constantly “new” at something - but remember, you have been on this spiritual quest since you were small - all of these different pieces may seem so distinct, but they will all weave together, eventually.


With love,

Your Self in 2017

 

Follow on Bloglovin

{Mystic Self Letters} Your Individual Connection with all that is Holy

Dear One,

Thank you so much for joining me in this process of healing and learning. What you are about to read below is a part of a series of letters to my younger self.  

This project began when I was connecting with a dear sister of mine and she asked: "What would it look like to write letters to your younger mystic self?"

That idea really struck a chord with me - to imagine my younger self receiving these letters felt like such a gift, like sweet medicine. 

And I desired to share these letters with you, my dear community, as I imagine that perhaps, a younger or current version of yourself may also wish to feel into these words.

READ THE FIRST LETTER AND FEEL INTO THE ORIGINS OF THIS PROJECT HERE

READ THE SECOND LETTER HERE

LISTEN TO THE PLAYLIST HERE

 

Dear 17 year old Mystic Elle,

This is the year you rush home after school to have some quiet time to yourself, alone, as you pray the rosary, enthralled by the idea of daily mysteries, and read from the Bible. You’re committed to finishing at least the New Testament to get a feel for what this is all about.


After the laying-on of hands experience in Catechism, in the basement of your Catholic Church, of all places, something shifted within you. There were guests visiting, from another church. You knew they were going to ask you to volunteer to be the person to experience something, and when they circled around you and all of a sudden you felt like you were about to fall over, about to faint, and you weren’t sure what exactly was supposed to happen. So you asked them to stop and explain, and you discover that the fainting is what is supposed to happen...so you become even more curious. The quest that you have felt since you were small feels more important, more urgent, now more than ever.


What it really is, this quest of yours, is a thirst for anything and everything spiritual. As you work at the little shop after school and on weekends, you’ll have the luck of having space and time to explore books on energy healing, the power of plants, Indigo Children, and a wide range of spiritual traditions. On Sundays, listening to Delerium, Sarah McLachlan and Loreena McKennitt on the 5-CD changer, you would get paid time and a half to ring up a couple of customers and read these books, much to your delight.


All of this, while becoming best friends with the daughter of a Wiccan Priest and Priestess. You will hang out in her room, talking about your different spiritual experiences, and realize that to create a spell is just another way of praying, of asking the beyond for something, of setting an intention.


One thing that I must prepare you for is that while you think that it's perfectly natural to want to explore different religions and practices and faiths, that your parents will not agree with your choice to deviate from your familial religion. This will feel frustrating beyond belief - to want to explore different churches and place of worship from a whole gamut of cultures, but to be forbidden to attend. Continue to practice developing your own connection with the divine. Find the temple, the synagogue, the cathedral, the altar within yourself. Check out books from the library and dive into the delight of learning. You will come to realize that above all else, your individual connection with all that is holy will be what is most important. Soon, while you are in college, the time will come for you to have absolute freedom with your spiritual exploration. It seems so far away, but in reality this experience is so close.


I know you’re trying to figure out what you want to go to school for. I know you’re debating between becoming a youth minister, an atmospheric environmentalist, a website designer, and a teacher. It all feels so incredibly crucial, right now. Know that no matter what, you will make the right choice. Something magical happens after college graduation, where your whole fate isn’t dictated by your majors but instead by your life experiences, by your passions. Know that it’s okay not to do only one thing for the rest of your life after school. It will be okay to flow between one job to another, to eventually make your own work, to allow your passions to lead you forward. One thing that will continue to lead you forward throughout this life is your pull towards the mystery of spirituality and creativity, towards what lights you up within, towards that still and potent place of deep inner awareness.


I know that things seem really disjointed now, and like you’re being pulled in a million different directions as you continue to learn and uncover, as the scene from behind the veil continues to become more and more complex. I ask you to sit with what seems like infinite potential and possibilities and to just allow the experiences and wisdom to come forward. Please continue writing your poems about the divine, continue to find friends with whom you can share your experiences. You have always been a seeker, and as you continue to seek, you will realize that perhaps, the only real answers can be found with you. And that your answers can be different from someone else’s answers, and the two answers can co-exist at the same time. And it’s all okay.


With love,

Your Self in 2017

Follow on Bloglovin

Letter to my Younger Mystic Self, age 13

 

Dear One,

Thank you so much for joining me in this process of healing and learning.

READ THE FIRST LETTER AND FEEL INTO THE ORIGINS OF THIS PROJECT HERE


Dear 13-year-old mystic Elle,

Oh my love. I know that right now things feel really confusing and strange and out of place. I know that the mysteries of life are feeling especially intense. I know that you are still trying to figure out what it means to be here, in this human form, and yet somehow still so connected to some other realm. I know that you are worried about so many things - from the state of your own soul to the environment to how to present yourself in public so as not to be too different. 

You’ve been paying attention to your dreams and finding them to be more vivid. 

You’re experiencing lucidity and intuition in your dream world for the first time.  

You’ve been keeping track of the times when you knew something that you shouldn’t know.  

And you’re not sure what to make of it.

On one hand, you feel like you might have inherited this. Perhaps it runs in the blood.  

On the other hand, you feel this intense Catholic guilt and so in your nightly conversations with God you ask to be relieved from the weight of this wisdom, which feels like insight you’re not supposed to have.

My love, I know that escaping this part of yourself might feel easier than accepting it and learning about it, but if I could ask one thing of you, it would be to not pray this away and instead to hold it dear and explore it. To claim it and to continue recording it, along with your dreams, in your journal. This wisdom is a part of your nature.  

When it quiets down a bit, it will feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself, and that missing piece will feel more painful and confusing than anything at all.

One piece of solace is that, even if you do pray this away, your intuition will come forward in playful ways as you get older and navigate through high school. This playful way will feel especially safe and while grounded in mystery, it will feel okay and so familiar, a glimpse of the wholeness of your Self.  

It will feel like a game - you’ll feel it coming on and write these insights down on pieces of paper folded up in your pocket, thinking that perhaps you can show someone when your words unfold into this reality, but you never do.  

I know that sometimes you will wonder if you are making this all up. I know that sometimes, when you even *think* you are making it all up, that it ends up unfolding anyways. Take solace in the fact that one day, you will find a sense of sacred union with a dear friends, with whom you can share these intuitive nudges - and they will believe you. 

One of the best things you will do during this time is find kinship with an Amethyst and Rose Quartz, which you will oddly enough purchase from the store at Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse.  

This will be a strangely familiar experience - to close your eyes and feel into the energy of these crystals, to carry them in your pockets, to keep them on your desk as you work on homework, to tuck them under your pillow at night, to whisper to them and to allow them to whisper back to you.  

You do this in secret because you stopped talking to rocks when you were 4 years old. But it feels like this Amethyst and this Rose Quartz have so many messages for you. Continue to get to know them, to carry them with you, to allow your spirit to be calmed by them, to allow your heart to expand in their presence.

As much as you can, dear one, embrace these pieces of your self, full of the unknown and the sacred.  Ten years from now, or so, things will start to fall into place and make more sense. I know that seems like such a long time away, like eons...but it will be worth the wait.  

Stay grounded so that you remain present within this experience of life. You don’t go outside as much as you did when you were younger, but perhaps it is time to practice grounding within the mind-space. To imagine yourself a tree, with roots planted into the earth. To imagine the energy of the earth, rising up through your body, as though your legs were straws. Allow yourself to be here in this human experience.

With love, 

Your Self in 2017

Follow on Bloglovin