Thank you so much for joining me in this process of healing and learning. What you are about to read below is a part of a series of letters to my younger self.
This is the final letter in the series.
This project began when I was connecting with a dear sister of mine and she asked: "What would it look like to write letters to your younger mystic self?"
That idea really struck a chord with me - to imagine my younger self receiving these letters felt like such a gift, like sweet medicine.
And I desired to share these letters with you, my dear community, as I imagine that perhaps, a younger or current version of yourself may also wish to feel into these words.
Dear 28-year-old Mystic Elle,
It is this letter, more than any of the others, that makes me yearn to be able to give wrap you up in a blanket, give you some tea, hold your hands and look into your eyes and tell you that everything is going to be okay.
I know that right now, having a body and emotions feel difficult and confusing and mysterious.
There has been mystery after mystery coming up for you and your body for the past few years. Sometimes you spend hours a day in the bathroom, with a sore belly. Sometimes you feel your heart fluttering in uncomfortable ways. Sometimes you faint from pain. Sometimes you faint because that’s just what you do. Sometimes your body holds onto weight like it is the most precious thing to exist. Sometimes your body is unable to carry weight, and you can’t quite figure out what to eat in order to find the curve of your hips again.
The good news is: You will get through this, and all of these bodily mysteries. And you will be healthy.
You will learn the value of both Western and Eastern Medicine, and come to a place of deep reverence and respect for this body, no matter how sensitive it may be.
You will learn that traditional doctors will be able to set your mind at ease, and that doctors who practice alternative medicine will be able to speak in the energetic language that you understand. Do not discredit one over the other, but allow both to work with you in balance and harmony.
One thing that is a gift, that is such sweet medicine during this time is Yoga Teacher Training. By a miracle almost, the opportunity presented itself and now as you spend your weekends immersed in the 8 limbs, sacred texts, and learning how to hold space for others to rise up both physically and spiritually. The yoga studio will become like a second home, a new sanctuary for your spirit to explore and grow and expand.
This training, combined with your Reiki Teacher Training, will feel so grounding for you. It feels like a coming home, to receive "official" education in all things subtle and sacred. To find the connections between the body and the spirit, the heart and the mind. It feels like you have been a sole explorer for decades, and now you finally have guidance on this path, and a community to share your mystic truths with. And it feels so good to sink into.
Here is what I wish to tell you:
First, never stop seeking and learning and soaking it all in, in the way that you are.
With all of this spiritual growth, and with all of these mysteries of the body, it feels so easy right now to ground into the cosmos instead of the body and the earth and this moment.
This is a response that is what a mystic may naturally tend to gravitate towards, but isn't one that actually serves you.
Love, I know that it feels easier to float away than to be fully embodied within your physical form. It’s easier to escape any emotions that are coming up for you this way, to distract yourself from any tender feelings that are rising up for you. Dwelling in the energetic realm and the cosmic realm feels like a familiar home, but my darling, you are here on earth. Enjoy it. Enjoy this body. Find a sense of reverence in the presence of being in this moment. In the miracle and preciousness of it all.
Continue to nourish your Throat and Heart Chakras. Sing and sing and sing; love and love and love. Do not allow fear and doubt and worry to cause pain to linger here.
There is something on the horizon where your heart and voice will need to be fortified in order for you to come out on the other side in one piece. It will feel like a 3 of Swords moment, a figurative piercing sensation through this place where heaven meets earth.
When emotional pain rises up within your heart space, allow it to be heard. Even though your whole body will shake and it will feel like there is a flock of birds trying to escape from your chest and like snakes are slithering down your legs. (not that snakes are bad...but that's the only way you can describe the sensation) You have been silenced in the past, and while it feels comfortable and safe not to speak, it is important to remain connected to your truth, to yourself. It is important to remain true to you, dear Elle.
As someone who is a mystic AND a perfectionist...someone who is tender and sensitive and who just wants to be enough...I know that in this moment is may feel best to retreat, to hide away, to push things off to the side and let them fester.
Instead of working with things in this way, which will not help anything...find strength and power within yourself to transform and heal. Think about the way that Parvati, the Yogini Goddess of devotion, can transform herself in to Durga when she needs to become an empowered warrioress, how she can shift into Kali when she hears the call for transformation and for the release of the ego. Think of how someone so entranced by the divine and seem so delicate...but in the blink of an eye, can become fierce, then mothering, then wild and fully free, then come back into a meditative state...without difficulty, without needing to fit into the box of being just one way. And in each and every form, she is divine.
Empower yourself in your own emotional healing on this path. It is not anyone else’s responsibility - find a sense of strength in the core of your being and work on cultivating that place. Once you have released all that no longer serves you, remind your heart what it is like to love. Celebrate your ability to love. Honor it.
with deep love and devotion,
xo, your Self in 2017